Snark Wars
by TekJounin
Summary: Sakura has been kidnapped by the Akatsuki.  Again.  Will she break this cycle or will she fall prey to the stereotypes of the genre?  And why are Sasuke & Itachi wrestling?  Contains Hidan, so language warnings apply.
1. A New Hopelessness

A New Hopelessness

Sakura woke up slowly and woozily. The effort to figure out just what was going on seemed far too difficult for her to bear. The forceful pounding in her head made it hard to focus and the constant bouncing wasn't doing anything for her concentration, either.

She scanned her memory for any indication of how she ended up sailing through the forest. Her last coherent memory was of being at the Bent Kunai with Ino, getting well and truly plastered and moaning about how all the good men were either taken, gay or S-class criminals.

Worse, they were often all three.

Managing to crack one eye open a sliver, she assessed what she could of her current predicament. Her world view indicated that she was probably slung over a powerful shoulder, unless trees were suddenly growing upside down.

Looking further down, she spotted what appeared to be a red patch on the black cloak that swayed past her dangling fingertips. A little anatomical math meant that her face was just above butt level on her current mode of transportation.

"Damn," she thought. "It sort of looks like I've been captured by the Akatsuki. _Again_."

Just as she was about to make inquiries regarding the situation, she realized that her surroundings were no longer forest and fresh air. Shortly after this realization, she was swung down from her perch & tossed on to a rather lumpy sofa.

Now she could see her captors properly. It was the Uchiha murderer and his big blue partner. They did seem to get pegged for kidnapping her regularly.

Staring wearily at the pair, she shrugged and asked, "So, do I get the same room as always?"

Itachi just stared silently, sharingan engaged and slowly spinning. Kisame answered her civilly in the affirmative. Tossing her a bundle of cloth and grinning with as many pointy teeth as he could manage, he replied, "You know the drill, Pinky."

"Yeah, yeah. I wear the cloak at all times that I'm not in my room. I heal the Uchiha's eyes. I spar and flirt with _every single member_ who pops into this totally rockin' cave you live in. You try to recruit me, I finally break down, tell you I care for you all but I can't do that to the village and people I love. Then bright eyes here knocks me out with a happy little mangekyo and I wake up tucked into my own bed back in Konoha."

"You've got it, kitten. Do you need something to settle that hangover or do you feel up to a little light flirting before supper?" Kisame added more teeth to his smile. After all, sharks just keep growing new ones, don't they?

"Nah, I'll save the innuendo for dessert. Right now my head's spinning too much for anything witty or glib. How about I just go shower & have you lend me one of your gigantic shirts that will slip off my shoulder provocatively?"

"You've got it, sweetheart!" Kisame ambled out of the room to fetch the clothing, leaving Itachi to watch the captive.

"Tachi-kun, why don't you shut down the spinny eye thing? It's making me dizzier and you know full well that it's bad for you. If you didn't run it full time like a cheap dollar store nightlight, you wouldn't have to keep dragging me across the countryside to fix it."

"Sa-ku-ra, you know I detest your little pet monikers. You know what my name is," Itachi stated quietly.

"Right, gotcha. Shut the doujutsu off and I'll use your proper name."

"I'm afraid I can't do that until Kisame returns, medic," Itachi replied in that velvety monotone of his. "It seems the damage is much worse this time and I would have difficulty seeing your emerald orbs without the sharingan active."

"Guh. I've got a killer headache and I may very well spew if you don't shut it off. I seriously doubt that I'm up for any fancy attacks right now. Please, Ita-kun? For your favorite pink-haired med-nin?" Sakura wasn't above begging prettily, even if she did currently look like something a nin-cat horked up.

"No, kunoichi. You know I get massive headaches when the doujutsu is disengaged. You are in no state to treat my pain, much less heal my eyes. The sharingan stays on for now."

"Fine, Uchiha. Brat," Sakura huffed. Punching a throw pillow to fluff it up a bit, she placed it behind her head and leaned back with her own eyes closed. Where the hell was Kisame? A shower, supper and a nap would see her right as rain again.

Just as she was drifting off, a loud commotion started in the hallway. Not long afterward, the noise made an abrupt transition to the living room.

Once again prying an eye open, Sakura observed Deidara dragging Tobi into the room in a headlock.

"Oh, I'm so glad TweedleDumb and TweedleDumber could show up so soon." It seemed that having her almost-nap interrupted didn't make her any more sweet-tempered than she'd been originally.

"Shut up, yeah," exclaimed the blonde half of the tussling duo. "Tobi is NOT a good boy. He made teacups out of my clay while I was sleeping! He even cured them by the campfire. How can I do proper battle if all I can do is fling crockery at the enemy? Little tiny pinky-finger-up teacups. It's embarrassing, yeah."

"Tobi wanted to surprise senpai with a proper breakfast! Tobi wanted real teacups!" wailed the other half of the writhing disturbance.

Without seeming to move, Itachi had each of the combatants by the collar and separated neatly. Giving them a simple yet eloquent look, he set them on their feet.

"We have company, Tobi, Deidara." He indicated Sakura with a tilt of his head. The pink-haired kunoichi's skin was making an astounding effort to match her apple-green eyes. The assembled S-class nin hurriedly cleared a path in the room, prepared for her possible dash to the restroom. Tobi gave Sakura a happy little hand wave, then bent forward in a concerned manner.

"Would Sakura-hime like a cup of tea? Maybe in a very special teacup?" Tobi chirped. Deidara glared darkly at his partner and muttered, "That won't get you out of it, dickwad. You're buying me new clay, yeah."

Just then, Kisame returned with the promised T-shirt and a pair of slightly ratty bunny slippers, size enormous. Tossing them to the gently weaving female, he announced that the bathroom was free for her use. She scrabbled after the clothing and bolted from the room like she had suddenly learned the Body Flicker technique.

"So, who's she gonna be in love with this time, yeah?" Deidara asked with a sly grin. It was usually one of the bishie members but there was that time she was paired with Kakuzu and twice (_twice_!) with Kisame. He thought it might be his turn again but couldn't remember. It was no doubt written in his diary, no, JOURNAL! Yeah, in his journal. Or dayplanner. Definitely not a diary.

Somewhere, not very distant from the living room, there could be heard a sound, a sort of yowling and barking sound. Every shinobi tensed slightly, trying to detect the threat. It could be a dog or a wolf. Maybe Sakura had a 17-tailed wolf sealed in her...yeah, never mind. It was probably just the Return of the Sake and they had ringside seats to the performance. Sure enough, the sound of a the toilet flushing and a tremulous voice that might be saying "Never, never, _ever_ again" could be heard. At least she had that out of her system.

When the sound of the shower started, the gathered nukenin adjourned to the kitchen to begin preparing the evening meal. Deidara and Tobi were forced to work at separate counters while they chopped vegetables, as Itachi proclaimed that not everyone wanted their supper to taste of blood and that "finger food" should not, indeed, consist of actual fingers.

As usual, Kisame was tasked with filleting the fish and Itachi made his famous rice in a rice cooker. No one could figure out why rice tasted better when Itachi made it. It was an automatic freakin rice maker, for the gods sakes. Still, it was so. When asked what he did different, all anyone got for a reply was a penetrating stare with gently rotating tomoe. No one asked twice.

Suddenly, the domestic scene in the kitchen was disrupted by several shrieks, one slightly more high-pitched than the other. Dashing through the intervening rooms, they discovered a half-dressed Hidan plastered against the wall opposite the bathroom, with an equally (yet opposite half) half-dressed Sakura in the doorway of the room. Kisame's t-shirt was as provocative as advertised and she looked a much healthier color after her earlier repentance at the porcelain altar.

Slowly, Sakura stirred, breaking the frozen tableau. Her eyes never leaving Hidan's face, she spoke briefly but with finality. "You creepy religious freak, I will not wear your underwear. The Kisame shirt is a tradition and I don't care to start a new one with your unmentionables."

"Screw you, if they were unmentionable, why did you mention them?" Hidan fired back. He looked slightly disappointed and particularly put out that she had turned down what he had hoped to have become a trademark addition to the kunoichi's garb. "They're boxer shorts, not some perverted bondage gear."

"You know, I might have been touched by the offer but those aren't even clean," Sakura stated flatly. "I refuse to put on your smelly skivvies. And what are you all looking at?" she snapped, rounding on the rest of them. "Is supper cooking or burning?"

The four original shinobi turned and fled back to the kitchen like a well-choreographed flight of birds. Soon the clatter of meal preparation could be heard again.

Hidan smirked at the petite captive and sauntered away, twirling his underpants on one finger. "You don't know what an honor you just turned down, kitten. I don't let every woman I meet get into my shorts."

Turning away from the silver-haired man and stomping toward the smell of food, Sakura couldn't help muttering, "As if any of them would without payment up front."

Sakura drifted into the kitchen, taking two steps in the bunny slippers to make one step forward. Slouching against a countertop (well away from the pair who were furiously chopping vegetables), she sighed like the stereotypical teenager she was.

Itachi noticed her melancholy look and silently offered her tea in a standard cup, then returned to intently watching the automatic rice cooker. Kisame nudged his partner as he pulled a frying pan out of the cupboard. Itachi took his cue and used a small katon to light the burner on the stove. It wasn't necessary and had actually voided the warranty for the electronic igniter but ninja skills in the kitchen were fun.

The purposeful bustle, wonderful aromas and steamy heat of the kitchen was nearly enough to lull the young woman into a drowsy nod. It was spoiled by Deidara's frequent killer glares at Tobi, which hadn't become any less murderous. Suddenly, the kunai he'd been using on the cabbage was expertly whisked out of his hand by the much taller Mist nin. Tobi was allowed to keep his knife as he continued happily creating frilly chrysanthemums out of carrots.

Soon enough, supper was on the table and the other members of the coalition made their way to the table. Konan nodded at Sakura, Pein looked her over expressionlessly before nodding himself, Zetsu popped out of the floor and back into it almost immediately and the Zombi Combi slipped into the room within moments of each other.

The public leader and his female companion quickly fixed dishes for themselves and left to go back to where they had appeared from. The rest of the group sat around the large rectangular table and helped themselves. There was little conversation initially, then Tobi piped up with "Tobi is a good vegetable-chopper." This earned him a fresh set of glares from his blonde partner and a kunai flung at his mask by the same man. Tobi had miraculously just bent down to examine his expertly chopped vegetables, thereby avoiding the knife.

Itachi gave Deidara a significant look, which caused the bomber to slump slightly and tuck into his meal with stiff, angry movements. Apparently, there was no love lost between those two, even after all this time.

Turning to the only woman left at the table, the Uchiha asked her politely how she was feeling. Sakura turned the corner of her mouth up in a small smile and replied that she was much better now, thank you, and complimented the cooks on their efforts.

Tobi fairly bounced in his chair, proclaiming Sakura to be the most beautiful real woman in the room, earning him a slightly puzzled, slightly suspicious glare from Deidara. Undaunted, Tobi asked if Sakura would cook for them tomorrow night. He seemed so earnest and slightly pleading that Sakura was just about to promise that she would make her specialty.

Before she could even open her mouth, Hidan asked, "What makes you think the little girl can cook? She's all about healing and busting shit up." Clearly, his underpants were in a bunch.

Sakura narrowed her eyes before looking at the source of her annoyance. "I'll have you know that I specialize in poisons." Gulps were heard down the table. "I also analyze poisons, and create antidotes to them, whether I created the original or not. If I can be trusted to do work that requires an exacting knowledge of how to help or harm a human with herbs and chemicals, I think I'm qualified to follow a simple recipe, don't you think?"

While the gathered males had initially been all in favor of getting away from their own limited repertoire of limited meal options, several of them found they couldn't get past the word "poison."

Unconsciously, most of their heads turned to Itachi. He merely kept his gaze on the kunoichi for several long heartbeats before nodding his head. "It would be an honor to have you prepare a meal for us, Haruno-san." The other shinobi relaxed slightly, each intent on making sure the Uchiha was the first one to try her cooking.

Relaxed chatter occupied the diners for the rest of the meal. Even Deidara unbent enough to kick Tobi gently under the table to ask what the masked nin meant by the "real woman" comment. If it was a veiled comment on his own refined (yet totally manly) good looks, there was going to be one less masked ninja in the house later on.

After supper and the ensuing rounds of _jan_-_ken_-_pon_ to see who did the washing up, most of the group retired to the living room. Sakura resumed her earlier spot on the sofa, flanked by Itachi and Kisame. Kakuzu occupied the recliner and was reading the financial section of the newspaper. Tobi knelt on the floor and was painstakingly coloring flowers on very small teacups with an assortment of broken crayons.

Itachi turned slightly toward Sakura and asked softly, "Why were you so drunk in the middle of the day, Haruno-san?"

Sakura shifted uncomfortably and ducked her head down, hair hiding her features. "It was Ino's idea. She had just gotten dumped by her boyfriend after she caught him cheating on her."

"Does it not matter that a shinobi is on duty at all times? Did it not occur to either of you that you must be prepared to defend your village, your precious people, at every moment?" he asked.

"Well, sure, in theory. But getting plastered is such a good plot device and she had just been dumped. By a jerk. And you would have had a much more difficult time kidnapping me if I was sober, so you can't be complaining, can you?"

Itachi shifted back and sat very still for several moments before saying, "That is true. But a dedicated kunoichi must be especially careful, lest anything untoward befall her."

Sakura just shrugged and sighed. Yes, it was true. I mean, look at how many times they'd kidnapped her because she was drunk or crying herself senseless or dropping off to sleep like a narcoleptic. Still, you were only young, beautiful and pink-haired once in your life, so what was the harm? She always got home safely. And the guys weren't so bad, once you got over the fact that they were out to kill her team mate.

Dishes and clean up completed, Deidara and Hidan joined the rest of the group in the living room.

There was some discussion about what they should do with the rest of their evening. It was really too late to go out for a spar. There was no real television reception when you lived in a cave, no matter how posh it was. Sakura refused to get drunk and play strip poker, having just got her feet back under her from the last hangover and, since she was only wearing a t-shirt, would immediately be nude if she lost a single hand. She was in no mood for it right now.

"Sooo," Deidara said with a grin that would put Naruto to shame, "who are you scheduled to be with this round?" He still hadn't checked his dai-_journal_! yet.

Sakura slumped further, flopping her hands between her knees. Hidan, who was sitting on the floor in front of her, grinned and cackled, "Son of a bitch. The carpet does match the drapes!" Sakura immediately brought her knees together and glared under her shielding hair at the uncouth nin.

The other Akatsuki members were looking at each other with raised brows. No one was about to join Hidan in whatever hell Sakura was going to put him and it seemed that no one was sure who was to be the paramour this time, either.

Konan and Pein would know, of course, but they weren't present. Sakura was still slumped forward, obviously not enthused about the discussion.

Itachi suggested that everyone get a good night's sleep and they could check the status of the situation in the morning. This was more or less unanimously agreed upon and the individuals began leaving for their rooms.

Sakura delayed briefly, refusing to get up from the sofa before Hidan left. There was no way she could remove the t-shirt wedgie from her butt cheeks without him noticing and he would surely bring up how his underwear would have prevented it.

In desperation, she leaned against Kisame and quietly asked him to roust the creep. Kisame was slightly surprised but complied readily. Hidan, not in favor of being told what to do, especially when he was (correctly) certain he was unnerving the kunoichi, protested even as he was forcibly picked up and hauled out of the room by a grinning Mist nin.

Just another day in paradise.


	2. The MedNin Strikes Back

The Med-Nin Strikes Back

Sakura woke up gradually, peacefully snuggled in her soft bed. Without opening her eyes, she did a cursory systems check: a gentle stretch indicated relaxed, rested muscles; eye movement under closed lids did not make the top of her head blow off, so no lasting hangover; a deep breath brought a unique, cedar smell to her nose and caused her chest to contact a firm, warm surface.

Dreamily, she smiled slightly and burrowed closer to the scent. It felt like a human body. "Oh, Sasuke-kun," she murmured.

"Good morning, bright eyes," rumbled a very masculine voice.

Within moments, she was bolt upright in bed and then standing on the other side of the room in less time than that. The sunlight streaming from the skylight illuminated the figure who was now stretching lazily in her bed. How did that bastard Hidan get in here? She was sure she'd jammed the back of the desk chair under the doorknob the night before!

She'd gone to her room the previous night too tired to deal with anything else for the day. Without turning on the lights, she'd secured the door with the chair and dove into the bed, asleep before she even finished pulling the covers up.

Glancing around told her that the chair was sitting innocently beside the door. Was it possible she had just set it there without making sure it was in place to prevent the door opening?

Stepping back another pace, she tried to assimilate everything that had crashed down around her head in the mere seconds she'd been awake. One: a (mostly) undressed Hidan smirking in her bed. Two: her desk chair had failed to protect her. Three: her room and all the furnishings were in shades of pink. Walls, bedclothes, furniture—everything!

She spun around and yanked open dresser drawers. Every blessed article of clothing was pink.

Turning slowly back to the man in her bed, she asked (quite calmly, she thought), "What in the bloody hell is going on here?"

Hidan frowned at the decided lack of enthusiasm he was detecting in the kunoichi's speech and posture. He was serious the night before; not many women could claim to have gotten favors from him. What the hell was her problem, anyway?

Not getting an answer from him quickly enough, Sakura grabbed a handful of disgustingly pink apparel and headed for the en-suite bathroom.

"You will be gone before I finish my shower. This door will be locked, so don't even think about joining me. I'll have poison senbon within reach if you decide to ignore that little warning. Now get out!" she stated, the last sentence in a raspy hiss.

"Fine. What the fuck is wrong with you? I was just trying to help," Hidan grumped. He started to climb out of the bed, revealing that he was, in fact, entirely naked. Sakura bolted into the bathroom and locked the door immediately.

Setting out her senbon and grabbing a fluffy (pink) towel, she turned and started the shower. As soon as she heard the bedroom door open and slam, she undressed and proceeded to shower. The nerve of that man!

Her anger only lasted so long. She was suddenly struck by a sense of defeat. These kidnappings had been going on for years and the rather hinky stuff had gradually become more prevalent. She was only 19, dammit! She wanted a normal life and normal friends and normal death-defying missions and a normal boyfriend. Was it too much to ask?

Feeling slightly subdued, she shut off the shower and grabbed the abominable pink towel. The rest of her ablutions taken care of, she dressed in the offensive pink clothes and left the bathroom. Finding the Akatsuki robe where she'd dropped it the night before, she scooped it up and shook the folds out.

And nearly cried.

The beautifully draping black fabric was just as she remembered it but the clouds were now...pink. It didn't look like they'd bleached the garment, as the black was a deep and lustrous as it should be. That meant the clouds had been purposefully made to be pink.

This could be considered the last straw.

Dropping the cloak and stomping for the door, she wrenched it open and made for the kitchen like an avenging angel. She didn't stop to greet Tobi, who was back to coloring his teacups, she didn't nod at Zetsu when he poked his head out of the wall. She made a determined beeline for the kitchen, where the rest of the members were enjoying breakfast to varying degrees.

"This has got to stop!" she bellowed. "I get kidnapped so regularly that my friends don't even bother to look for me anymore. If I'd fallen off the Hokage mountain, they'd just assume I was with you guys while I slowly died. My room here is all pink, my clothes are all pink! I have pink HAIR! Have you ever seen me wear pink? Are all my clothing and decorating options limited to the color of my hair?"

She glared at the assembled ninja. "I don't want to be romantically involved with ANY of you. I want to date a normal ninja who lives in Konoha. I want to be a med-nin at the hospital and on missions and I want to eat ramen with my friend without worrying that you're going to gut him for the chakra demon in his belly. I want study at the library and squabble with Ino and chastise Kakashi and hide Tsunade's sake and..and...stuff! And Uchiha, shut off the sharingan NOW or I'll poke your red eyes out myself!"

To her utter horror, she burst into angry tears. Spinning on her heel as best she could in gigantic bunny slippers, she fled down the hall and out the door of the compound. Running through the sparring area, she collapsed under a huge oak tree. Digging her fingers into an old kunai scar in the bark, she mostly shook from reaction, with only the occasional tear streaking her face, viciously wiped away before if could fall from her chin.

After about 20 minutes, there was a soft sound beside her. "Go away," she said as steadily as she could.

Not hearing a sound, she finally raised her eyes and looked to her right. There squatted Uchiha Itachi, holding out a small tray with a bowl of miso soup and a few onigiri.

"You must eat, Sakura. You need your strength to heal my eyes," he said.

She briefly considered swatting the tray from his hands but she was hungry and he was attempting to be kind, in his odd sort of way.

Instead of taking the tray, she met his sharingan and asked, "What makes you think I'll do any healing of anyone in this godforsaken lair?"

He continued to stare at her unblinkingly for a moment before he answered, "Pein was not especially pleased with your speech. He has ordered that you complete this mission or you will be killed."

"Oh, it's a mission, is it? Normally, missions are offered or assigned to people who've volunteered to serve and there's payment for successful completion. How does this work, then?" she asked, still not ready to bow to fate.

Itachi placed the tray on her lap and sat down against the same tree trunk. He gazed toward the cave and breathed evenly for a moment, then began to speak. "I understand you somewhat, Haruno-san. I never wanted to join Akatsuki, never wanted to be a missing nin, never wanted to...do what I did before I left Konoha behind. But sometimes in life, we do what we must."

Feeling a bit deflated and strangely calmed by his little speech, Sakura began to eat the breakfast he'd brought. It didn't look like she'd be getting out of this easily, so it was best to gear up and get her tasks completed quickly. Maybe they'd get her home by nightfall. Or kill her. Either way, it would be done, at least for this time.

Itachi merely kept his gaze off in the distance, neither attempting to chat nor hurrying her up. She rebuked herself for relaxing around him.

After all, he had been the primary cause of so much heartache in her life. He'd killed his clan and twisted Sasuke-kun out into a power junkie and in the last few years, he'd been responsible for abducting her on numerous occasions. Still, he and Kisame had always been unfailingly polite and even thoughtful toward her.

Having a little food in her must have given her brain enough fuel to kick over and start working. He'd just practically admitted that the Uchiha massacre wasn't his idea and neither was leaving the village. She shot him a look from the corner of her eye, wondering if she could possibly get more information out of him. That's when she noticed the slight frown between his fine eyebrows and it struck her that his eyes were the darkest charcoal, effectively black.

He'd shut off the sharingan. After she yelled at him, he did that and was now obviously suffering from the headache he'd warned her about yesterday. Suddenly feeling rather guilty about being so self-absorbed, she quickly finished her meal.

"Uchiha-san, thank you for the food. I'm feeling much better and would be happy to start the treatment on your eyes, if you'd like." Hopefully that would let him know that she wasn't just a spoiled little Leaf and that she was willing to show her appreciation for his kindness.

Gaze still distant but with the faintest of smiles, Itachi reached for the tray. "Let us return to the lair and you can begin the healing process in the infirmary. I'm afraid it will take some time and I would prefer for us both to be as comfortable as we can be."

Agreeing that he had a point, Sakura rose and brushed dirt off her hideously pink pants. Scuffing along behind the Uchiha, she realized that the day was gorgeous and she was feeling far better than she expected to do after Ino's pity party yesterday.

Upon re-entering the headquarters, the pair got no further than the astonishing sight in the living room. Hidan had setup a whiteboard on an easel and was making an enumerated list with varying numbers of check marks by each item.

Sakura slumped down on the sofa by Kisame and looked at him questioningly. He returned her look with a slightly sheepish, slightly amused one of his own.

"You see, since Pein had decided that this mission will continue, Hidan had taken it upon himself to keep track of how things are going. Right now, he's cataloging your behavior." Kisame waved a meaty hand at the whiteboard.

"He's made a list of your typical behaviors and is keeping track of how many times you do any of them. See, he's got you down for 1 sigh, one falling asleep inappropriately, one crying incident and two screaming fits but you're kind of lacking any unnecessary violence and sexy behaviors. He wanted to put down a lot more categories but they mostly involved his underpants and bedroom favors. We voted those out."

"You know, as fascinating as all this is, I think I'm just going to pop down to the infirmary now. You kids have fun with this, OK?" Sakura had no idea what inspired that crazy monk but she wasn't going to play his game.

Pottering around in the medical rooms almost made her feel like she was at home again. True, the lair wasn't as well stocked at the hospital at Konoha but the environment smelled the same and the basics were all there.

She'd just managed to calm down from Hidan's newest stunt when she sensed another presence nearing the infirmary. In seconds, Itachi entered the room. His eyes still dark, his brow still slightly pinched, he waited patiently for her to give a sign that she was ready.

Finishing with the inventory she'd idly started, Sakura patted the examination table and invited him to get comfortable on it. She was in her element now, full medic mode engaged.

Pulling over a tall wheeled stool, she seated herself comfortably and looked her patient over. Itachi had shed his cloak and lay relaxed and alert, following her every move. _He's probably a bit nervous. I did throw a fit this morning and threatened to poke his eyes out, after all._

Reflecting on that, she wrote preliminary notes on the papers on the clipboard she'd brought and laid it aside. "Uchiha-san, I apologize for my earlier remarks. I should not have said what I did about your eyes. I was angry and it was unwarranted." She bowed as best she could from atop the high stool and looked back at him.

He had not moved but still presented a more calm demeanor. Sakura relaxed slightly as well. "I'm going to do the same thing I always do, starting with an exam of your eyes and the optic nerves. Since you generally have a lot of inflammation in the nerves, I'll probably just need to heal that and you'll be as good as new."

Itachi nodded his acceptance and then did the most extraordinary thing. He closed his eyes completely, sooty lashes brushing his cheekbones. If that wasn't an unspoken sign of trust, she didn't know what was. She hesitated momentarily but realized that he might become tense if his gesture caused her to delay treatment.

Cautiously, she called healing chakra to her hands and gently placed them on his face, palms to his temples and fingertips on his eyelids. Closing her own eyes, she let her chakra seep into his tissues, probing and noting all the irregularities she encountered.

Determining that the damage was as she suspected, she switched from diagnostic mode to healing mode. Warning him that she was starting the healing was an ingrained habit.

Time lost all meaning as she worked. Itachi's steady breathing and the pulse of her chakra ticked off the day in a measurement that didn't correlate to linear time. There were just successive periods of _now_.

Having become so lost in the process of healing, she was startled when a hand brushed her back lightly. She opened her eyes to find that she was quite unprofessionally slumped right over the Uchiha prodigy. The hand that had touched her didn't belong to him, as she had effectively pinned his down inside her elbows. Straightening up, she saw the faintly grinning visage of Itachi's partner.

Moving slowly so as to let the Uchiha rest, she slid off the stool and beckoned Kisame outside the room. Quietly, she explained that the damage was essentially the same but more severe than in the past. She might have to do additional treatments but she wasn't able to stress either of them any further with this session.

Kisame looked concerned about his partner's condition but didn't miss the wobble in Sakura's stance. Holding her arm gently to support her, he asked if there was anything he could do to help. Sakura smiled and said that they could take turns sitting with Itachi until he woke up.

The Mist nukenin smiled his sharky smile and told her to go raid the fridge and get some sleep. Sakura protested that she was perfectly fine until he pointed out that it was nearing midnight and the treatment had begun at noon. The pair had missed lunch and supper and all the little role-playing routines that Pein had mapped out for this "mission" of hers.

The news that she had been in the infirmary for 12 hours with Itachi stunned the medic. Without a clock in the room she couldn't even guess how many hours she'd poured chakra into the man, which left her with no idea of how long she'd been slumped over, cradling his head and sleeping like a good medic would never do.

Thanking Kisame and sternly warning him to fetch her if anything happened to her patient, Sakura stumbled her way to the kitchen and grabbed several onigiri. After a bit of thought, she grabbed a tray and put a few more on a plate, along with a bottle of water and some vitamin tablets. Taking the tray back to the infirmary and placing it in the fridge there, she motioned to Kisame that he was to give it to Itachi when he awoke.

Having wolfed down her cold supper, she lurched into her bedroom. Flipping on the lights, she saw a shape under the blankets. Not even slowing her steps, she reached down & grabbed the comforter and a pillow, leaving a very unhappy Hidan buck naked and cursing. Heading back to the living room, she flopped on the sofa and fell immediately to sleep.


	3. Return of the Jade Eye

Return of the Jade Eye

It seemed that no time had passed for the exhausted medic when she found herself being shaken awake again. Wary of a retaliatory Hidan, she sat up quickly with chakra in her fist.

Kisame skipped backward to a safe distance and waved his hands in what he hoped was a placating manner. "Itachi's awake and would like you to come down to the infirmary," he whispered.

Most traces of sleepiness left her system as she ungracefully clambered off the lumpy sofa. She hurt in places she hadn't been aware she had before. Smiling wanly at Kisame, she trudged as briskly to the sickroom as she could manage.

Itachi sat quietly on the exam table, plate clutched in his hand. It seemed that his appetite was fine but she was baffled as to why he would hang onto the empty dish. Approaching him, she noticed that he moved his head minutely from side to side, as if seeking something.

"Uchiha-san, how are you feeling?" she asked.

He zeroed in on her voice in an odd fashion, then spoke. "Haruno-san. Why can I not see anything?"

Sakura was momentarily stunned speechless. She hadn't done anything wrong, had she? Panic began to mount. Not only because her pride as a medic was at stake but damaging one of Pein's prize henchmen was probably a career-limiting move no matter how you looked at it. And it would just figure, wouldn't it? She had hoped to return home today!

Thinking furiously, she went over all of the treatment she had performed. She knew that the inflammation to his optic nerves was much alleviated, so what had gone wrong?

Taking the plate from his grasp, she set it aside and addressed him as calmly as she could. "Uchiha-san, I have no explanation. Would you mind laying down again, so I may inspect your current condition?"

Itachi complied, albeit with a slight bit of effort. He found that he needed to pat the exam table in order to find the edges and prevent himself from falling off. Once he was situated, she again called healing chakra to her hands and placed them on his face. Probing gently, she located a small obstruction in the chakra channel of the optic nerve, very near the retina. It had been impossible to find in the mass of inflammation beforehand.

Using the very finest of her control, she gently soothed the retina and worked the obstruction loose. Unable to remove it completely, she had to content herself with crushing it to minute pieces that the chakra channels in his optic nerve could carry away.

Slowly withdrawing her chakra, she asked Itachi to wait a few moments before opening his eyes. He complied and blinked owlishly after opening them. "My vision seems to have cleared now. Thank you."

Sakura made notes on his chart, then explained her new finding. "This obstruction is new, Itachi-san. I'm afraid that continued and prolonged use of the sharingan will cause it to happen again, probably with an increasingly short interval between occurrences. You can probably get away with using the standard first stage of sharingan regularly but the mangekyo is going to make you go blind. I won't be able to treat that."

"I understand. 'The more it's used, the more it's sealed.' The scrolls were right about it," he said.

"Please feel free to return to your quarters to rest up, Uchiha-san. I'll tidy up here and then come check on you."

"Sakura, I know that you're attempting to show your respect but we have been beyond surnames for a while. Please continue to use my first name, if you would be so kind," Itachi murmured to her.

She nearly dropped the tray and had to scramble to keep the plate from sailing off it.. Conflicting emotions darted through her eyes. On the one hand, she wanted nothing more than to be formal with the whole damn lot of them, as if putting distance between them would somehow put them on a more respectful footing. On the other hand, she had become friendly with a handful of the Akatsuki and understood that they might feel rejected by such an action.

"Uchiha-sa...Itachi, I appreciate your generosity but I really would like for this to end. I would like to be respected and if I can manage that by being formal with everyone, I would like to do so." She continued to bustle around, returning items to their proper places.

Itachi set a hand on her shoulder, the lightest of touches but it stopped her in her tracks. "Sakura, I believe I do understand. Let me think on this and I will do my best to help you with your desire."

He left after retrieving his cloak and she continued to putter around long after she had cleaned the room properly. She hadn't had time to think everything through in any sort of detail and her dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs was not helping her to do so.

With no more excuses to hang around the infirmary, she made her way back to the living room.

Several members were in front of the whiteboard. Deidara was holding the marker over his head in an attempt to prevent anyone from writing on the board, which was a bit silly, since he was the shortest one in the group.

Sakura found her curiosity piqued over the loud discussion and found herself reading the list they had compiled.

Crying

Unwarranted violence

Inexplicably falling asleep

Sighing

Shrieking

Screeching

Wearing pink

Standing only as tall as any member's chin

Dropping mugs so that they shatter

Letting out a breath she didn't know she was holding

Giggling

Using inappropriate nicknames

Skipping

Showering with scalding water

Showering for ½ an hour

Burning food when cooking

Calling team mates "brother," "heart twin," "best friend"

Having technology that doesn't exist (including MP3 players, cell phone, etc)

Smashing walls

Breaking floors

Destroying sparring fields

Falling to her knees like a weak sister

Getting drunk

Dressing slutty.

She had to admit that she'd done some of those things but did they really believe that a 19-year-old was that childish and lacking in self-control? She listened in on the debate the guys were conducting over the contents of the list.

"I say that 'shrieking' and 'screeching' are the same thing, yeah," stated Deidara. "And she does get loud sometimes but I wouldn't call it either of those things. Just loud."

"Shut up and give me the marker," raged Hidan. "It's my list and I can put what I want on it."

"No, yeah. I'm not done yet. Shouldn't 19, 20 and 21 all be grouped under 'Property damage'?"

"Whatever, just gimme the marker back!" Hidan shouted. He made a grab for the implement and got a face full of Tobi instead. The masked man had popped up from his coloring to point at the board.

"Did anyone ever see her skip? Is it like skipping rope or skipping in the field?" Tobi inquired, voice as serious as he had ever gotten. This was obviously a point he wanted clarified.

"Who gives a fuck? Get out of my way and you, blondie, give me the marker!" Hidan was livid.

"Aw, what's got you so riled up? Was it because she's turned down all of your over-the-top propositions?" Kisame was positively grinning with glee at the other man's antics. While outright violence against members of the group would be dealt with by Pein himself, no one was immune from a good dose of teasing or torment.

The commotion in the living room died abruptly, as though someone had flipped a switch. Pein himself and Konan were standing in the doorway, no doubt having witnessed the childish behavior of their S-class team mates.

Sakura was suddenly inspired to leave the room to check on Itachi. Her move to rise from the sofa was stillborn with a look from Pein. Quietly, Pein requested that Kisame fetch his partner and Kakuzu for a meeting. Sakura's next attempt to leave was effectively quashed again with a single look.

Try as she might, she couldn't imagine why she would be necessary to an Akatsuki meeting. She determinedly kept herself from leaping to the conclusion that her outburst had earned her a death sentence and she was here to learn the details. Maybe it was about Itachi's eyes. After all, that was the purported reason she was here.

As soon as everyone was present and settled, Pein produced a notebook and stated without preamble that they were going to be given their individual roles for the mission that required Sakura's presence. A nod at Konan had the woman handing each person a sheet of paper with their name on it.

At Pein's direction, everyone read their sheet. It was like...well, it was like a play. Or more precisely, like the synopsis of a play, an outline. Looks displaying curiosity, puzzlement, disgust and neutrality turned to the leader, clearly waiting to hear the reasoning behind the instructions.

Pein nodded and began speaking. He had decided that this mission would see the Akatsuki members not just in team mate pairs but in couples. As in romantic couples. Sakura was to be the chipper, dependable fag-hag who would help them with their emotional and physical injuries and ailments. He became quite animated as he spoke, not seeming to notice the slack jaws and hostile looks his subordinates were now directing at him.

"Oh, who will be Tobi's boyfriend?" squealed the good boy. "Will we go on picnics and drink tea from tiny teacups?"

"I won't do this," scowled Deidara, looking like a thundercloud. "Have the Uchiha finish the job he started and kill me off. I don't care, yeah."

Hidan likewise protested. He had taken a vow of chastity and wasn't going to break it for any heathens, never mind that he'd invaded Sakura's bed twice already.

Kisame shrugged and proclaimed that he was pretty certain that he'd rupture anyone he was paired with and the reason he was sure of it was because there was no way he was going to be the catcher on that team.

Itachi merely sat quietly, neither agreeing nor disagreeing. Sakura wondered what his opinion was but wasn't about to question him in this crowd.

Pein listened to the complaints that were clearly growing angrier. Just as he was about to speak, Sakura spoke up.

"I can see where this could be a best-selling story, sir. Would you mind filling in more detail, some dialogue and settings? I think I could talk Jiraiya into reading it and possibly getting it published."

"Jiraiya-sensei! You know him? You would bring this to him?" Pein fluttered his hands like a love-struck fangirl. "Oh, Konan! We need to work on this tonight! Sakura-san needs to return to Konoha and talk to Jiraiya-sensei as soon as possible!"

Konan rolled her eyes when Pein scampered from the room but followed him obediently.

Silence engulfed the room for all of 10 seconds; then all hell broke loose.

"What the fuck? How can he be the leader if he's such a fucked up shithead?" Hidan snarled.

"I'm an S-class missing nin, for the love of little green apples! How did he think I'd just suddenly give up my art to take it up the arse from one of you losers, yeah?" Deidara practically yelled.

"Oh, Itachi-kun, I've loved you since you first made your bold way into the headquarters." Kisame vamped in a rough falsetto. "I want you to take me, right here, right now." Choking with laughter, Kisame cried and guffawed at the same time.

The other members sat stunned for a moment, then crumpled their sheets into hard little balls. There was no way anyone was going to read what Pein had in mind for them to say.

Sakura felt all eyes on her as she stared at her sheet. "blank, I'm pregnant," she read. "I guess that means I'm a pretty crappy med-nin, if I can't even remember birth control. And I don't know whose name goes in the blank, so I guess I must be pretty sleazy if I don't know who the father is."

Several members felt the need to reassure her that it was not true and that she wouldn't be there if she wasn't the best medic they could find.

"You mean the best one you could easily capture," she said. "Whatever. I think I should start supper now. Any requests?"

Several voted for onigiri but most told her to do what she liked with what was available. She made her way to the kitchen and proceeded to rifle through the cupboards and refrigerator until she found enough ingredients to make a decent meal.

As she mixed the batter for tempura, she noticed Itachi enter the room. Wordlessly, he setup the rice cooker, added water and rice, then switched it on. Sakura smiled faintly but didn't say anything. She wasn't too proud to accept freely offered assistance.

Vegetables cut, shrimp defrosted and batter applied, she began deep frying the food. Itachi retrieved several types of furikake and began to shape rice balls. They worked together in companionable silence until suddenly, everything was ready.

The other members were called to supper and unobtrusively waited for Itachi to sample everything first. When he didn't convulse, they dug in happily. The meal passed pleasantly enough and the foul moods from earlier seemed to have dispersed. The loser of the jan-ken-pon didn't even seem too displeased with their lot, as there just wasn't much of a mess to clean up.

Itachi quietly request Sakura perform the follow-up on his eye treatment and she agreed that it was a good time. Once in the infirmary, Itachi spoke. "Sakura, the way you diverted Pein from the farce he had planned has given me an idea that may help you in the future."

Sakura paused in her preparations and asked him how her life would be improved by having the Ero-sennin read Pein's story. She tried not to sound too skeptical but wasn't able to keep it entirely out of her voice.

Itachi looked directly into her eyes. "If you were to convince the Hokage that it would be in everyone's best interests to allow you to travel to a fairly remote clinic once a month for a week at a time, you would be able to do exams and treatments in addition to helping out remote villagers. It would allow you to work as an independent med-nin and give you invaluable experience. On my part, I think I might be able to convince Pein to having you perform checkups and healings on a regular basis without having you abducted and confined to one of our bases. "

Sakura laid down the clipboard with his charts and thought about what he proposed. Fearing to get her hopes up, she considered every argument that Tsunade might be able to present. The biggest one would be that she would be aiding the Akatsuki, who were bent on killing Naruto in their quest to rule the world. But if Jiraiya could get Pein's romances published, that ambition might be put on hold indefinitely, if not thrown right out in favor of concentrating on plotlines and doing research.

As if reading her thoughts, Itachi continued, "Pein is only the titular head of the organization. It's Madara that really controls Akatsuki. The one who poses as Tobi. But you can help me with him, as well."

Undeniably curious, Sakura asked how she was going to help take down the most powerful Uchiha alive. "Ah, he is the most powerful but that is only due to my illness. If you could find a treatment for the wasting disease I have been battling for years, I believe I could remove him as a threat."

Sakura lost no time in performing her follow-up on his eye condition, then commenced a thorough exam of Itachi's person. The disease was indeed fatal for conventional medicine but could be treated with a combination of medicine and chakra. He had let the illness take hold too deeply to reverse some of the effects but it could be stopped without causing further damage. Working efficiently, she was able to make a marked improvement in his condition.

After that large expenditure of energy, and thinking it had been an eventful day already, Sakura couldn't be blamed for her surprise when Pein appeared and requested that Kisame and Itachi bring the kunoichi back to Konoha that same evening. He was giddy about having his old sensei read his work and pull some strings to get it published.

Sakura went to her room to put on her proper clothing, and briefly considered dropping a lit match to improve the décor in her room. Satisfied that she had everything she'd come with, she made a point to say goodbye to the other Akatsuki members as cheerfully as she could. She hoped that Tobi didn't detect any change in her demeanor.

Eventually, she found Kisame and Itachi waiting for her just outside the door. Kisame grinned his biggest grin and Itachi nodded his greeting before saying that they couldn't allow her to know the route they would travel, so she would need to wear a blindfold. She thought of objecting but realized that they had to follow protocol. She had her suspicions about the location but really couldn't be asked to care.

"Just don't sling me over a shoulder, okay?" she asked. "It's disorienting and uncomfortable. I can walk fast enough."

"Walking would be too time consuming," Itachi commented. "We will use a transportation jutsu and then you may walk.

Before he could finish the hand seals for the jutsu, Tobi appeared before them. "Sakura-san, I think you should stay with us longer," he chirped.

"I'm sorry, Tobi," she began, but he cut her off with a voice she'd never heard from him before.

"You _will_ be sorry if you disobey me, kunoichi. I believe we have greater need of your services than your pathetic village does," he continued. "Itachi, bring her back inside and confine her to her room."

Itachi looked steadily at the real Akatsuki leader for long moments before shaking his head negatively.

"I have promised Sakura that I would have her home tonight," he stated in his soft voice. "I will not break a promise to a lady."

Tobi's entire demeanor changed. The bouncing, giddy child disappeared with a surge of malevolent chakra. "Itachi, we've spoken about your weaknesses. I know you want to protect her. I know you have protected your little brother. And I also know that you've been protecting that jinchiriki and his village. It will end tonight!"

Kisame yanked Sakura to the side and both of them sprinted away from the pair of battle-ready Uchiha. They could only watch from the sidelines as the sparring field was alight with high-level jutsus, taijutsu moves and the odd kinjutsu. Sakura could only hope that the little she had done to help Itachi would be enough to aid him now.

The combatants broke apart for a moment, each showing a fair amount of damage. It just so happened that Madara was standing nearly in front of Sakura.

"So, my young apprentice, you think you can beat your master? You haven't nearly the years and experience that I have gained. You will die here today and your brother will be mine to mold," Madara taunted. "I arranged to have that worthless clan eradicated and I will gladly add your name to that roster."

Without any real thought, Sakura pulled out her poisoned kunai and flung it into Madara's back. A stunned _wuff_ escaped his lips, then he slowly crumpled to the ground.

Itachi walked unsteadily toward the three and stopped in front of the fallen foe. "_Your overconfidence is your weakness. My faith in my friends has proven valid," he murmured. His final comment was a burst of amaterasu that consumed the body entirely._

Kisame wrapped on arm around Sakura and the other around Itachi, then rapidly performed the transportation jutsu. They poofed into existence in Sakura's living room. With scarcely a wobble, she spun to Itachi and led him to the sofa, where she proceeded to remove his cloak and shirt.

"Hey, whoa there!" Kisame backup a few steps with his hands up. "If you two need some privacy, just let a guy know, okay?"

Sakura spared him a look, tongue stuck out and brow crinkled. "Just get me a basin of warm water and some towels, would you?" she asked.

Once she had the grime and blood cleared off his person, Itachi didn't look so bad. In fact, he looked damn good. In Sakura's completely _clinical_ assessment, of course. She healed a few of the worst looking wounds, then made her way into the kitchen to put the tea kettle on.

Pausing only shuck her shoes by the door, she padded off to her bedroom to rummage in her stash of stolen team mates shirts until she found one that would fit Itachi and flung it at him on her way back to the kitchen.

Quickly brewing the tea, she set out a plate of dango and rice crackers. She needed to go shopping but a small snack might help the two men regain some strength.

Making her way back to the living room with the tray, she quirked an eyebrow at a Kisame who was making the most peculiar face she'd ever seen on him. She first thought that he was trying not to be sick but soon realized that he was just barely holding in a powerful laugh. Setting the tray down, she turned to see what had caused his intense reaction.

It was Itachi. Now sitting on the sofa and trying to look as relaxed as possible, it took Sakura as great an effort as Kisame was displaying not to laugh.

The Uchiha prodigy: youngest ANBU ever, clan-killer, elite S-class criminal and wanted nukenin was sitting on her sofa wearing one of Sai's old half shirts. While the initial reaction was to bust a gut laughing, Sakura couldn't help but notice that the shirt looked so much better on Itachi than it had on the original owner. She had regretted sending Sai home in Sasuke's old Uchiha shirt (after Naruto flung a bowl of miso on the shirt Sai was wearing) but this made the trade all worthwhile.

Getting a grip on herself, Sakura poured their tea and motioned for the men to help themselves. A short while later, the plate was cleared and tea had been drunk. The kunoichi started to clear up the dishes when Itachi stopped her with a gesture.

"You realize that you have killed a second Akatsuki member, the most powerful one of all," he told her. "This will get you into the bingo books for certain. Are you prepared for that?"

"It...I...you," she fumbled. "Listen, it was you! You had him beat. I just took a pot shot at the end."

"Do you think it will be told as you wish?" he enquired, "There will be those who will tell it as they see fit."

"Well, I don't care. I had nothing to do with it, outside of a little poke at the end. You avenged your clan and brought down that bastard. I was just a by-stander." Sakura was looking to get stubborn about it.

"Don't worry, kitten. It was only the three of us in that field. We'll tell it however you want it told," Kisame piped up.

"We will respect your wishes but I know that the other members observed the fight. They may have their own opinions as to how it played out," Itachi said. "I am fairly certain that Deidara will tell a vivid tale that shines the light where he feels it deserves to be."

"Tough. He's cute and all but not the sharpest kunai in the pouch. People will consider the source, I hope," Sakura grumped. "In the meantime, I'm not going to worry about it. I still have to figure out how to get Pein's manuscript to Jiraiya without getting molested."

The mention of the erstwhile leader had them deciding it was time to get back to the lair and do some damage control. Kisame grabbed his partner's arm and prepared to perform another transportation jutsu. In the midst of the sequence, he squealed "Itachi-kun, I've loved you since _oof_!" Sakura's last glimpse of them as they vanished was an irate Itachi with his elbow in a certain comrade's solar plexus, said nin looking a bit green around the gills.

And they all lived happily ever after.

* * *

><p><em>There will be a short epilogue to this story, as there are so many unsatisfactory holes that need patching. I didn't get as much snarkiness in as I'd planned (it kept wanting to be a real story, dammit) and there has to be something past this abrupt ending.<em>


	4. Epilady, er, Epilogue

Epilady, er, Epilogue

Much had happened in the two weeks since Sakura had been home. She had convinced Naruto to take Pein's manuscript to Jiraiya, who purportedly howled with laughter while he read the entire thing. He visited Sakura (chaperoned by Naruto) to find out just what had transpired to bring about such a wretched bit of literature.

Sakura had explained, as best she could, about Pein's delusions of writing competency and his desire to have people act out his fantasies. The Toad Sage looked thoughtful, then asked if Sakura would be willing to bring him to the Akatsuki hideout for a face-to-face discussion with Pein. She saw that he was serious and promised to do her best to arrange the meeting.

She also tackled Tsunade about the remote clinic idea that Itachi had suggested. While her mentor was initially skeptical, she slowly warmed to the idea. Outreach visits from the Konoha hospital staff were not a bad idea, particularly if they were also geared at training the local staff in advanced procedures. It could well lead to recruiting new staff for the hospital and one day her dream of a med-nin in every ninja team might be realized. At the very least, there would be more trained medical personnel outside of the village who could aid her soldiers more quickly than if they make the trip back to Konoha.

Contacting the remaining Akatsuki was more problematic, until she discussed it hypothetically with Shikamaru. He suggested using one of the messenger birds to bring her mystery person a note. All that was needed to send it on it's way was the scent of the person who should receive the missive and Sakura _did_ still have Itachi's torn and bloodied shirt.

Having asked them to meet her in a small village halfway to the border of Fire Country in a week gave her a bit of time to catch up on some work and prepare for the trip. Naruto insisted he was tagging along with his pervy sensei and was adamant that Sakura would be glad that he was with her.

Traveling with her old team mate and his teacher was trying. Sakura made certain to wear her Jounin uniform. It would be just like Jiraiya to try to peek up her medic skirt, the old reprobate. And Naruto rarely shut up. If he wasn't talking about ramen, his latest new jutsu, ramen, Sasuke or how he was ready to kick some Akatsuki ass he was mooning over Hinata. Cuz I said so.

When they were within two miles of the meeting place, Naruto bounded off into the woods to relieve himself. Sakura and Jiraiya continued on for a while before realizing that he wasn't catching up.

Alarmed, the sprinted back to where they'd left him, only to find him talking to another young man. A familiar looking young man.

"Sasuke?" Sakura couldn't believe her eyes. Her long-lost team mate was standing as nonchalant as you please, in the middle of the forest, chatting with Naruto. He flicked his eyes in her direction, said something to Naruto, then casually vaulted onto a tree branch and disappeared.

"Naruto, what in blazes is going on?" Sakura cried. "That was Sasuke. Why didn't you try to bring him back to Konoha?"

"Uh, Sakura-chan, it's...complicated. I'll tell you everything later, okay?" Naruto's blue eyes were troubled but he forced his trademark grin on his otherwise nervous looking face and turned to continue the trip.

The other two followed his lead quickly. "Is this because Itachi's still alive? Still the avenger and all that?" Sakura asked. "He's headed the wrong way and you didn't tell him?"

"See, that's part of the complication. He was sneaking up on the Akatsuki lair and heard everything that Madara said, about the massacre and Itachi's illness and stuff. He's not sure what to do. Itachi was his childhood hero and now he knows that Madara was the one who set it all up. It changes things."

He shot her a faintly beseeching look. "Besides, how tough could he feel if he killed a man who was sick enough to die on his own? I mean, that's sort of pathetic, even for the teme. It's bad enough that Orochimaru was weak when Sasuke took him down. What kind of badass can you be if you just go around killing sick and feeble people? You might as well be famous for stomping on kittens."

While she mulled that information over, they reached the village and headed for the tea shop where the meeting would take place. Seeing Itachi and Kisame already seated at a booth, she walked briskly over and sat down.

Stealing Kisame's teacup, she took a drink. "Nice. I wouldn't have pegged you as a mint tea kind of guy," she teased him.

Snatching his cup back from the kunoichi, Kisame beckoned the waitress over so the travelers could order their own refreshments. As they waited, Sakura tried to exam Itachi unobtrusively. He looked much better than he had when she had last seen him and, obviously, he had allowed his partner to live after that parting comment in her apartment.

He met her gaze and nodded at her before turning to the other two men. "Jiraiya-sama, Naruto-kun, it's very nice to see you again," he began. "Pein will be arriving in a few hours. He had some finishing touches to put on a new manuscript and he wanted to have it completed before he got here."

"Hey, hey, where's your fancy cloaks and tingly hats?" Naruto eyed the nukenin suspiciously. "You look like regular people or something. Well, for you guys, anyway."

Kisame and Itachi exchanged a brief look and what passed for the most compressed indication of humor in the world. Sakura supposed that if you lived and worked together long enough, you would develop shorthand signals for anything.

"Naruto-kun, we are just 'regular people' now. The Akatsuki has been disbanded." Itachi tensed marginally when he saw the sharp look from Jiraiya and the stunned look on Naruto's face. Sakura look rather contemplative but smiled faintly at Itachi.

"What the hell's a "tingly hat?" barked Kisame, brows furrowed with effort to puzzle the phrase out.

"You know, with the bells and crap," snapped Naruto. "The bells move and make a "ting" sound."

Kisame reached over the table and swatted Naruto's arm. The jinchuri yowled and pulled his arm out of reach. "What the hell was that for, bastard?"

"Oh, please, did that hurt the little fox?" Kisame was grinning now.

"No, it's just sort of tingles...oh, you're saying I screwed up the word. What would you call your damn hats then, smart guy?"

"We called them 'hats,' kid. The bells were just to inspire fear." Kisame leaned back comfortably as the waitress returned with everyone's orders.

"A little bell inspires fear? You gotta be joking." Naruto had his face scrunched up, incredulous that the same bell that you'd find on a cat toy was used to scare victims.

"Yeah, it's the irony that we liked so much. The bells should be cute but people knew we'd show up if they heard them, so it was quite the dichotomy. They got really annoying otherwise, always tinkling in the breeze." The Mist-nin was incredibly chatty today.

"So, are you guys going to tell me what happened after you got back to the hideout? I didn't expect all this, so it must have been quite something." Sakura had waited patiently for information from them and wasn't going to let her team mate distract them any longer.

"Oh, it was a laugh riot, princess. You should have seen those guys. Hidan was still going on about the whiteboard, Deidara was writing _his_ version of the battle, Pein was crying in the courtyard, Konan was throwing little bitty kunai-shaped confetti, Kakuzu was calculating how to split the money we had in the bank and Zetsu was sniffing around Madara like he'd found a yakiniku restaurant," Kisame told her.

"Itachi got everyone rounded up and we discussed our options. Pein was in favor of chucking the whole 'world domination' plan in favor of a 'world dominatrix' plan. I thought he was obsessed before but all his sub-bodies were in on the act. They all took off for Ame, rattling on about installing track lighting and a proper study for Pein to write in," Kisame continued.

"And all that crap on the whiteboard was stuff Hidan found when he sneaked into Pein's private rooms and read the scripts for your abductions. Pein really had some freaky ideas he wanted to try on you."

"That damn whiteboard!" Sakura exclaimed. "I'd like to shove it where the sun don't shine on that jerk."

"Actually," Itachi broke in, "that will not be possible. Kisame ate the whiteboard to stop Hidan's preoccupation with it."

"Well, 'ate' is kinda strong, don't you think? I just sort of bit it. In half." Kisame looked slightly sheepish admitting his behavior. "But Kakuzu sewed Hidan's hand back on good as new, though."

"All right, but what was with the whole underwear thing?" Sakura was still stumped by that bit of madness.

"Oh, you'll love this!" Kisame crowed. "Hidan had read Pein's manuscript, right? And your page that had 'blank, I'm pregnant,' right? What he did was to, um, leave his, um, seed in the boxers. That way, when you got pregnant, he could claim the child as his without breaking his vow of celibacy and without actually compromising your honor."

"Eeeew!" Sakura ewed. "That's just...there's got to be a stronger word than 'disgusting.' I can't believe he came up with that as a good solution."

"It was not ideal but he meant well, Sakura." Itachi caught her gaze as she tried to quell her stomach. "He couldn't very well confront Pein, lest he give away his snooping but he didn't want you to be disgraced, either."

"He was going to get her pregnant with his underpants?" a new voice interjected. All eye swiveled to the new speaker. Sasuke stepped out of the shadow and stared at his brother. All the occupants of the table froze for various reasons; Sakura out of sheer surprise, Naruto was combating his instinct to wrestle his former friend into submission, Jiraiya and Itachi were assessing Sasuke's chakra levels and intent and Kisame was reminding himself that Itachi wouldn't be pleased to have his brother damaged.

"Sas-Sasuke," Sakura stammered. "Won't you join us for tea?" After all this time, it seemed a bit unreal to be playing hostess to a tea party with her long-lost team mate. It was definitely not in line with any of the scenarios she'd anticipated their reunion to be like.

"No." He didn't spare her a look, having eyes only for his brother. "I think my aniki has a story to tell me."

Itachi held Sasuke's intent gaze for several moments before nodding once. "Hello, Sasuke. You look well. Would you care to take a walk?" was all he said.

The estranged Uchiha brothers left the tea shop. The remaining ninja looked at one another, concern and consternation clearly visible on their faces.

"Do you think it's safe to let them be alone together?" Sakura asked. She knew they'd been close as youngsters but things had taken a violently different tack after the massacre. While Itachi had done what he thought was best under the circumstances, Sasuke had only recently found out the reasoning behind Itachi's actions. A lifetime of hatred and single-minded determination couldn't be overcome so quickly.

Kisame just shrugged. The boys would have to work this out and it was never healthy to jump to conclusions where Itachi was concerned. He refilled his teacup and gave Naruto an assessing look.

"So, you're the kyuubi jinchuriki, eh?" he inquired. "You must be around the age of the Shukaku's host."

Sharp blue eyes landed on the Mist-nin. "Yeah, Gaara's a year older than me. Does it matter? You were all set to kill me the same way you killed him."

"Take it easy, kid. We won't do it now. Pein's given up that plan and Madara isn't around to revive it. Besides, there was sort of an accident with the sealing statue, so there wouldn't be a place to store your bijuu chakra, anyway."

Jiraiya narrowed his eyes and asked what, exactly, had happened to the statue. If there was an instability with the structure, it could be devastating to the entire world. That much demon chakra could literally wipe out all life as they knew it.

Kisame shrugged. "That was another Deidara thing. He didn't think the statue was artistic enough, so he added some 'embellishments' to it. But he also forgot about them when Tobi pissed him off and in the process of blowing up a clay spider, he sort of weakened the statue where the clay frills were added. It started leaking chakra like a balloon with a pinhole. Before Nagato took the other five spare bodies back to Rain, he did a quick reseal of each bijuu into cast iron teapots. I don't know what's going to become of them but I'm not gonna volunteer to open any of them up. There's got to be some angry chakra stashed in there."

Jiraiya nodded sagely, then took another sip of tea. Sealing a tailed beast in a common container was an age-old method of keeping the demon chakra confined until a new host could be obtained. It would be safe enough for now. It would be imperative to alert Tsunade, so the village could retrieve the containers and prevent the rest of the ninja world from having access to the stuff that made men into monsters.

Hearing the definite sounds of a tussle in the distance, the group hurriedly left the tea house and located the area it emanated from. It was the Uchiha brothers, both of them on the ground, in a tangle of arms and legs. Itachi's ponytail in Sasuke's hand had the man's head wrenched into an uncomfortable twist, while Sasuke's head was pinned to the ground by two of Itachi's fingers on the younger man's forehead. They froze when they heard the group approach and looked rather shame-faced at being caught using playground tactics in their struggle. They hastily released each other.

"I believe we have come to an understanding," murmured Itachi. He rose, dusting debris off his pants and offered a hand to Sasuke. The young man ignored the offer and leaped to his feet on his own.

"Fine. I will consider your apology. I'm going to get a room now. I need a shower and a meal." Sasuke stomped off toward the lone inn without looking back. There was something in the way that he moved that told the rest that he wouldn't mind company.

Since it was getting late and Pein would be arriving soon, they followed Sasuke's lead and were soon situated in rooms at the inn. Sakura managed to convince Jiraiya that she didn't need to share a room with him for protection, companionship or to save money. Naruto grumpily intervened and declared himself as Jiraiya's room mate for the night, with just enough of a warning glare to let the sannin know there would be no 'accidents' involving which room he was staying in.

Sasuke and Itachi didn't even talk about it; they just headed to the same room simultaneously. Kisame waggled his eyebrows at Sakura, which earned him a low-power punch to the shoulder before she slung her pack over her own shoulder and followed the Mist-nin down the hall.

Having gotten settled, they adjourned back to the tea house for supper and to await the former Akatsuki leader. Conversation was limited, as all parties had rather a lot to contemplate.

Pein arrived just as they finished eating but he barely acknowledged anyone in favor of burbling all over Jiraiya.

Leaving the pair to discuss plots and writing styles, everyone else headed back to the inn. There was a small patio in the rear of the building and they congregated in it.

Surprisingly, it was Sasuke who spoke first and he looked directly at Sakura and Naruto while he did so. "I'm only going to say this once. I did and said a lot of things after I left Konoha. I'm not sorry about most of them but I do regret some of the things I put you two through." He stopped without elaborating, clearly having said all he intended to say.

"Teme, we know. At least I really hoped that was the case. I will consider your apology," Naruto couldn't help but add that last bit, after what Sasuke had said to Itachi.

"Same here, Sasuke." Sakura didn't know what else to say. She'd been through a lot because of him and wasn't exactly sure what any of it meant now.

The former avenger looked slightly annoyed. "You've changed, Sakura. Not a fangirl anymore?" He tried to sound condescending but his heart really wasn't in it.

"I have changed, thanks for noticing. Tell me, are you the same as you were at age twelve? Have you gotten stronger, smarter, more accomplished and mature since then?" Sakura asked mildly.

"That should be plain to see," he snapped. Was she doubting that he'd expanded his skills? He'd killed Orochimaru, for the gods sakes!

Smiling gently, she only said, "Please don't be surprised that I've done the same. I'm not twelve anymore and I haven't been in stasis since the day you left. I'm a different person than I was then."

This was almost too much for the younger Uchiha to handle. He'd had shock after shock in the last few weeks and was having difficulty processing it all. Finding out that the clan had been planning war with the village, that his brother took on the burden alone of quelling it so that that same clan was given the dignity of being slain by one of their own instead of the faceless ANBU, that same brother's lingering illness and now his former team mates having progressed beyond his expectations. Absorbing this information and reconciling it with his very rigid worldview was more tasking than he could have imagined.

And what did that mean for his future? His life's goal was meaningless now. He couldn't kill his brother and he hadn't made plans beyond that event. He wasn't sure that he'd planned to live past it, when he got down to it. Sure, he'd said he'd revive the clan but maybe he'd just meant figuratively, as in restoring the honor of the clan's name.

As he struggled to sort through what it all meant to him, the others talked quietly. Naruto asked what the former Akatsuki had planned next.

Kisame grinned and said he was planning a vacation of sorts, maybe traveling and visiting some hot springs. Itachi sat passively, not indicating whether he was of the same mind as his partner or not.

Sakura found herself increasingly curious about the man. Would he just bum around with Kisame? He might be grateful to drop the entire ninja routine, since he'd never wanted to be a killer in the first place. She found herself coming to realize that she'd grown attached to the unlikely duo and would no doubt miss them if they disappeared from her life.

Looking at Itachi, she was shocked to see him regarding her silently. Quirking her brow in inquiry, she gazed back at him. She was rewarded with a small smile and a nod.

"I may take some time to enjoy the better things in life for a while. We have each been granted a share of the treasury, so money isn't a problem. However, I believe that idleness would not suit me in the long run. I may hire myself out for peaceful missions. Or I may open a dango stand. The future is a blank slate and I find myself at a bit of a loss to not have a purpose," he spoke quietly, with a decidedly bemused tone of voice.

"You will return to Konoha with me," Sasuke declared firmly. "We'll put our cases before the Hokage and she will reinstate us both. Then we will rebuild our clan together, without the taint of overweening pride in our doujutsu. Uchiha will become a respected and proud name once again."

"Teme! There is no jutsu in the world that will make you and your brother have babies together! Not even oiroke-no-jutsu would work! Even if you look like a woman, you really still have man-junk!" Naruto was livid and, interestingly enough, blushing at the same time.

"You freaking crack-head! I didn't mean him and me as in a couple! Gods! And here I was just about to think you'd grown up." Sasuke looked as disgusted as Sakura had earlier. It was hard to know if the red in his face was a blush or from anger.

Kisame couldn't control his laughter, which exploded from him like a suiton. Itachi went from outright shocked to amused in seconds. Sakura joined Kisame in laughter, which had Sasuke on his feet in moments, declaring himself tired and heading to bed. He stopped himself from asking Itachi if he was going to join him, knowing that would just start the lot of them off again.

"I'll walk back with you, Sasuke," Sakura said with a chuckle. She really was tired. The strain of the past few weeks was making itself known and she planned to sleep like it was the only thing she ever had to do again.

As they walked down the hallway, Sasuke's posture lost it's indignant stiffness. Looking at his companion, he asked her quietly, "Have you really lost your feelings for me?"

She glance up at him, then down at the floor. "You know how you can train and work and meditate to increase balance and chakra? Then you use everything you've learned and gained in a battle but eventually the chakra is used up and the skills slow down until you're drained and can't go on. And the only hope you have, if you survive that battle, is to rest and take proper care of yourself, then train some more and let the chakra rebuild and the skills to develop."

"It's sort of the same thing I went through with my feelings. They were so strong, I couldn't imagine they'd ever become less. But they did. I survived that battle but I haven't recovered from it yet." She slanted a glance at him, hoping to see that he understood.

Sasuke walked without speaking for a while, then spoke as quietly as she had. "Do you think that you might?" was all he said.

"It will take time and proper care, Sasuke, before I will know. Doesn't a good ninja become better by learning from their experiences and making sure not to make the same mistake again?" She was trying to be honest without being cruel. The truth of the matter was that she had no idea how she felt about him anymore and that it would take time to know if she could even be friends with him. She was sure that she could be friendly but that's not the same as being close.

He didn't press the matter. He had a lot to think through and he was tired. All of the conflicting and confusing mess could wait until morning. He noticed Sakura opening the door to her room and had a sudden, frightening thought.

"You and Kisame, you aren't...," he started. He couldn't bring himself to complete the sentence and wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer.

"Kisame? What about...oh!" Sakura chuckled when she realized what he couldn't say. "I do love the big lug but no, we aren't an item. Never were. He's kind and fierce and slightly silly but no, not a romantic interest. But I could do worse, I suppose."

"Sakura, just go to sleep. You're rambling incoherently," Sasuke ordered her. He did feel better when he thought he was in the right and this was a good enough occasion to assert himself.

She just smiled at him before giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Bossy. I'm the medic and I'm ordering you to do the same," she countered with some sass. Ducking into her room and shutting the door kept him from any reply, although she thought she heard a muted 'hn' before he strode to his own room.

It seemed she had barely closed her eyes when she was awakened quite suddenly with a hand over her mouth and arms restrained. Looking up, she saw Kisame's distinctive features, which were pantomiming 'sshh' at her. She relaxed minutely and he released her, only to beckon her to the window. From that vantage point it was fairly easy to eavesdrop on the occupants of the next room. She arched a brow at Kisame and made to go back to bed but he forestalled her motions.

A sulk audible in his voice, Sasuke could be heard muttering, "I still think there had to have been a better way to accomplish this."

"Sasuke, I will say this again: I was thirteen. I may have been praised by others but I was still a child. I did the best that I knew how to do at the time," Itachi returned. "You have my apologies and my promise to set things as right as I may but I am only human."

Sasuke looked a bit discomfited with this declaration. For years he'd thought of his brother as super-human and that was still true. It was the realization that even super-humans weren't necessarily perfect, at least not all the time, that was giving him difficulty. And it was his aniki, the one person that he'd been in awe of from his earliest memory.

"Why all the bullshit about hating you?" Sasuke was unconscious of the fact that he sounded almost petulant.

Itachi resisted the urge to sigh. This was his beloved little brother, after all, and he had not had an easy life. He deserved better answers than he'd been given all his life, now that the master plan was well and truly ruined.

"Do you remember Hidan's plan to impregnate Sakura?" he asked quietly.

"I heard. That was a seriously messed up idea he had," Sasuke sounded quite definite on this matter. And not too pleased about it, also.

"Can you understand that Hidan meant well? He knew what Pein planned and he did the best thing he could think of in the limited time he had to work with. There was no time to dawdle, since Pein was planning to arrange for Sakura to become pregnant. He made the decision to take on the responsibility of taking action and to honor the obligation to Sakura for the rest of their lives. It went against his own personal beliefs entirely but he felt that he couldn't allow her to suffer what might well be a worse consequence by his inaction."

Silence reigned in the room for long moments. Sakura was stunned to hear what Itachi had to say as well. The fact that Hidan had been willing to change her fate to be as favorable for her as he knew how was quite the revelation. She's only considered him to have been acting out of some sort of perversion and hadn't put the rest together. Quite frankly, she didn't think she ever would have if Itachi hadn't broken it down so plainly.

Finally Sasuke spoke. It was as if the words were heavy weights that he had to push out with force. "I understand that you were doing the best that you could. If the ANBU had killed the clan, I wouldn't be alive today. And you wanted me to hate you so that I'd never look past your supposed selfishness to find out that the village was defending itself from the clan. I get it. I just don't know how to accept it."

Itachi took a moment before he answered. In his gentle voice he said, "We all need to accept things that we can't control. It takes great strength to know when something is greater than ourselves. It's all right to forgive ourselves for actions and situations that are not ours to influence. There will be disappointment and frustration but those things can eat away at you unless you can learn to live with the knowledge that everyone has limits."

Silence descended on the room again. After a long while, the light was extinguished and the rustle of blankets could be hear.

Sakura shot Kisame a sharp look, then slunk back to her bed. He closed the window part way before finding his own bed. All that was heard for a very long time was the occasional whisper of the wind and an infrequent snore from Naruto.

Turning toward her roommate's bed, Sakura asked, "Hidan really was doing that to protect me? All that nonsense?"

Kisame's bulk shifted toward her. "Yeah, go figure. I wouldn't have believed he was capable of thinking of anyone besides himself. I'm not sure if I'm inclined to tease him unmercifully or clap him on the back."

Sakura was thoughtful for a moment, then murmured, "I don't know if I should thank him or punch him. Or maybe pretend I don't know a thing about it. But right now, I'm going back to sleep."

"Whatever, kitten." Kisame settled into his bed more comfortably and was soon dozing.

"Thank you, Kisame," Sakura whispered drowsily and then all sound ceased.

The next morning saw the group far more refreshed than any of them had been in a long time, with the exception of Jiraiya and Pein. They had been up half the night, drinking and talking and it showed.

"I'll be going on to Rain with Pein for a while. I think his real talent may be in producing and directing and I have several books that need to be made into movies," a groggy Jiraiya announced over tea.

"I am so excited! I had never thought to channel my creativity into such fields, until sensei pointed out that I'd been doing it all along with the abductions." Pein sounded far more chipper than he looked.

"Before there's even a hint of a thought on the subject, I want everyone to understand that I have no intention of becoming an actress and will decimate the first person who even looks like they might bring it up." Sakura took another bite of her breakfast while holding a steady glare on the two nightowls.

Wiping the guilty looks off their faces and assuming the most innocent expressions they could manage, Pein and Jiraiya fled to the buffet to collect their own breakfasts. Naruto chuckled in amusement while Itachi and Kisame smirked quietly. Sasuke looked pained but didn't respond.

"Are we heading back to Konoha today?" Naruto asked. He was torn by the fact that the teme was willing to return and the knowledge that there would be consequences for all of the actions since his friend had left.

"Naruto, be at peace. Sasuke did kill Orochimaru and that will work in his favor with the Hokage," Itachi assured him. "You may worry if and when there is reason but now is not the time. Sasuke will no doubt have some penance to do but it shouldn't be severe."

The blonde flashed his friend's brother a grateful look and finished his breakfast. He couldn't wait to get back home and get through the all the formalities. He had an ass-kicking all saved up for his team mate and was looking forward to the day he could deliver it.

Sakura looked at Itachi and Kisame. "Are you two coming with us or will you be going on your vacation right away?" She was undecided about what she hoped they would say.

"I think I'm curious to see what happens in the next chapter of the Uchiha saga," grinned Kisame. "We have never personally killed anybody from the Fire country and were just hired hands to Akatsuki, so maybe your Hokage will have mercenary work for us."

Itachi looked at his long-time partner with an assessing stare before nodding in agreement. He wasn't sure if it was the wisest thing to do but he hadn't had any plans anyway.

After seeing the porn masters on their way to Ame, the odd assortment of ninja set out for Konoha.

And so a new journey began. How it will end lies with the future.

OK, that was ambiguous. Maybe I'll be forced to continue this as a real story, since I can't seem to be as snarky as I started out. Let me know if it's worth bothering with, OK?


End file.
